The Art of being a Rovers Ball Boy

Carluke Rovers play their home games at the John Cumming Stadium in Carluke. This is a multi purpose council facility with a running track. Consequently there are large open areas behind both goals. This means that when the ball is blasted wide or over the bar , play is held up. I am lucky enough occasionally to be on hand to assist as a septuagenarian ball boy. This post is much sought after as a free pie and bovril are provided at half time.

A Rovers ball boy’s duty is to see that a spare ball is available to :
EITHER
The goalkeeper to punt it up the park
OR
for him to pass to one of his back four so the five of them can kid on they know what they are doing until one of them finally punts it up the park OR or more usually get caught in possession
OR
To the attacking team’s player to take a corner. Sometimes it is unclear with all the claims and counterclaims whether it is a goalkick or a corner. The ball boy must be alert to this until the referee signals, then the appropriate player shouts to the ball boy’ f…… hurry up big man ‘ .

It is crucial that the corner taker, if the corner is for the opposition, is not given the ball too early, before Gary the Gorilla , the Carluke goalie , has a chance to get the defence set up. Obviously if the Rovers are attacking it is imperative that the corner taker is given the ball early. It should be added from an overall perspective that most teams have a long throw in specialist as well so this also keeps ball boys on their toes. Not surprisingly there have to be local rules.

Everything depends on who is winning.

If the opposing team is losing and you are retrieving the ball for the opposing keeper, there is obviously no rush. In that situation it is common to see opposition players scampering to all corners of the stadium to retrieve the ball. The opposing keeper will also not be impressed by this and profanities will come in your direction. If the Rovers are losing, you will find that the same opposing keeper will be looking the other way, tying his laces or having a swig of water to delay proceedings. Conversely if you are ball boy behind Gary’s goal, the opposite applies. It is also easy for the ball boy to get engrossed in the game and make derogatory remarks to members of the opposing team and its coaches. Generally this is not a good idea and in my experience is likely to draw an unsavoury retort along the lines of ‘ F… off you baldy specky b……d’.

There are other important considerations. The main one is not to get the spare match ball mixed up with the practice balls at half time when all the subs are limbering up. You have to keep the ball beside you throughout half time. This can be difficult as three hands are required as you are also holding a red hot pie in one hand and an even hotter bovril in the other. It is not unusual for the meat in the pie to escape from its casing or a BB BB (ball boy bovril burn) to occur.

Finally although Carluke are in the tenth tier of the pyramid , ball boys must be aware that there is an unofficial official with two artificial legs overseeing the referee’s decisions and the ball boy’s agility . He operates his own interpretation of VAR.
However to date no refereeing decision has been changed no matter how much he colourfully claims a clear and obvious error has been made by the referee.

Jack Thomson